Online Affairs Practitioners

Published in Online Affairs Practitioners by Dr Bernie Hogan of The University of Oxford on October 20th 2021

What are subversive technologies?

Clients and their partners may vary considerably in how technically sophisticated they are. This may pose a problem in the relationship as it could prompt one partner to employ technology to gain some sort of autonomy or control over the relationship. This might be through monitoring the other partner’s behaviour or evading the other partner’s surveillance. These practices tend to fall under the notion of ‘subversive technologies’.

Subversive technologies are often used in contexts where there is an imbalance of power. For example, a whistle-blower might use subversive technology to leak documents about their employer or a spy might use surveillance software to uncover secret plans in another country. While most subversive technologies wouldn’t be designed for intimate relationships, this doesn’t mean they aren’t used. The use of spyware isn’t especially common in relationships, though it stands to reason that it would be overrepresented in couples in therapy.

Subversive technologies are often used in contexts where there is an imbalance of power

It would be impossible to provide an exhaustive list of ways in which partners might seek to evade or monitor each other’s behaviour. Regardless, there are some general points to take into consideration. Below is a summary of some of the broad classes of subversive technologies, which should help practitioners to start a line of questioning that can situate technology use within the context of discovering the dynamics of the relationship.

Surveillance technologies

Spyware

Spyware is a deliberate attempt to create an asymmetry of awareness in the relationship. The partner installing spyware can view keyboard strokes, watch entire screens, surreptitiously enable webcams (on some computers) and review online activity. If the spyware is effective, the other partner should have no awareness of this. Spyware can destroy trust in a relationship and is evidence that the offending partner doesn’t value the other person’s autonomy. It’s worth considering, however, that an accusation that another person is using spyware might not be verified and the accuser might be paranoid. If there’s no proof of spyware, it’s worth encouraging the person to take their computer to a specialist to check. For more information, see our ‘what is spyware and when is it OK to use it?’ page.

Monitoring practices

Our digital lives leave traces behind. Most websites leave small messages (called ‘cookies’) in our browser for later retrieval and the browser itself leaves a history of which pages have been viewed. Someone might not even need spyware to see this information. Although there is nothing inherently wrong with viewing a history of website visits, it’s not a common activity. However, the act of doing it may suggest that a partner is nosy. Do they suspect something? Are they trying to hold something over the other person’s head? Monitoring can indicate curiosity or it can indicate a lack of trust. Letting both partners know what can be monitored helps them establish reasonable practices. Research undertaken in 2010 suggested that up to 44% of people in a relationship will monitor some aspect of the other person’s digital life at some point. Only a tiny fraction of this involves spyware (less than 2%) or impersonating them (less than 1%) but a large share involves reading emails or texts that are accessible to the other person.

Up to 44% of people in a relationship will monitor some aspect of the other person’s digital life at some point

Whether a partner is installing spyware or simply monitoring the chats and habits of another person, there is at least an issue with boundaries to be discussed. While some partners might think it is only fair that they get to see what the other person is doing, this line of argumentation can undermine the importance of personal autonomy and healthy boundaries.

Evasive technologies

Incognito modes.

Since people’s online behaviour can be tracked, many people opt to browse in a secure fashion. Secure private browsing (sometimes called incognito mode) is a way to ensure that there’s no history of what’s being browsed. There’s nothing inherent in incognito mode that is an issue; however, if it’s used as part of an arms race (where one partner monitors internet history and the other uses incognito mode to evade) then there’s obviously a problem to be addressed. Extreme versions of incognito mode include ‘Tor’ (a highly anonymous browser) and ‘TAILS’ (a completely private operating system loaded from a USB key). If a partner is using these technologies, they are often for a specific purpose and it may be worth asking about what purpose they have and whether they are necessary.

Self-destructing messengers.

Self-destructing messengers are an increasingly common evasive technology. Snapchat is an example of this kind of technology. Messages, including photos and videos, don’t last: they can be viewed for a certain amount of time before they become irretrievable. Even trying to take a screenshot alerts the other person. Like incognito modes, the mere use of these technologies isn’t a problem. However, if one partner is concerned about infidelity and there are accounts on these programs that the other partner doesn’t want to identify, this is probably something to discuss in a session.

Privacy enhancing technologies.

Technologies such as the “disconnect.me” browser add-on and various virus scanners are part of a healthy approach to taking control over one’s digital footprint. These are rarely of concern except when a partner suggests they are using them to guard against another partner. This is then a symptom of a lack of trust to be explored in sessions.

In most cases, we can say that it isn’t the technology that’s a problem but how it’s used. On the one hand, these technologies are sometimes designed for uses that undermine trust in the relationship. On the other, some individuals are particularly privacy oriented. They don’t want corporations or the state to monitor and mine their information.

In most cases, we can say that it isn’t the technology that’s a problem but how it’s used

This is perfectly reasonable and some would even suggest it is important. In the case of evasive technologies, the challenge is to determine whether:

1. the individual is using these for reasonable personal purposes but doesn’t want others monitoring out of a sense of personal privacy or,
2. whether the individual is using these in ways that undermine the relationship and simply trying not to get caught.

If the client using evasive technologies provides a reasonable explanation for their use, pressing might run the risk of actually creating tension where there was none. On the other hand, if the client using evasive technologies acts angrily or defensively, it’s worth considering further how they may be part of a larger set of issues between the relationship partners.

To see the full list of research references which have informed the content on this page, please see our research references section.

Published in Online Affairs Practitioners by Janice Hiller from Tavistock Relationships on October 20th 2021

How is internet infidelity experienced?

Internet infidelity is invariably experienced as a breach of trust: a hidden activity that takes time, thoughts and feelings away from the primary relationship, and threatens intimacy. Research has shown that the sense of betrayal and loss experienced by the receiving partner is very similar to when physical infidelity takes place. Therefore, treatment approaches for internet infidelity will follow similar guidelines.

One difference with virtual infidelity is that engaged partners tend to deny that the contact is meaningful because it’s “only online”. This can lead to doubts by the recipient partner about their right to feel distressed. Questioning the validity of hurt feelings then becomes an issue to be addressed in therapy.

Engaged partners tend to deny that the contact is meaningful because it’s “only online”

A systemic approach to working with internet infidelity

Approaching treatment from a systemic perspective - and viewing infidelity as an intimacy-based problem - allows therapists to help those affected by infidelity to evaluate their relationship through healing and re-building the union.

Attending to the individual, relationship, and family-of-origin risk factors can help partners identify and address vulnerabilities to infidelity and protect their relationship from further betrayals. Interventions designed to promote forgiveness and improve communication and intimacy can help partners heal from infidelity and strengthen their bond with each other.

What should therapy focus on?

Despite there being a lack of studies providing systematic evaluations of treatment for online infidelity, researchers have identified several factors to focus on in the therapy process.

Early sessions

During early sessions, which tend to be highly charged and emotional, using non-judgemental language is particularly important. Although all partners might be very upset and need time to vent, a non-blaming stance - with a therapeutic balance - can lessen the expressions of anger and shock by the receiving partner. Despite demands to have more details about the infidelity, research has suggested that further sharing of information is rarely helpful and may prolong the suffering. It’s also important to note the potential risks of moving too quickly. There’s a complex balance required between structure and flexibility when treating affairs. Particularly with more dysregulated relationship partners in early sessions, it’s easy for the therapist to get derailed by the “crisis of the week.” Therapists need to assess whether it’s worth being derailed from the current focus to pursue a different track in therapy and address an immediate crisis. Often these problems are manifestations of underlying themes that will eventually be addressed as treatment progresses. If that’s the case, the therapist should consider formulating the immediate crisis as part of the underlying problem and relating it back to the treatment at hand. However, if the therapist determines that this is a new crisis or problem that requires immediate attention, then this may warrant deviating from the treatment plan for that session.

Creating a safe environment

Maintaining the therapeutic balance and encouraging respectful listening is essential for creating a safe environment to explore painful reactions. Treatment goals should be established early on, including finding out if the online relationship has ended. This will help each partner to commit to rebuilding their own relationship. Research has also suggested, as a first step, asking the engaged partner to take responsibility for the breach of intimacy, and making a commitment not to do it again. Refusal to end contact with the virtual partner would prevent most couple therapists from working on the issues, but it has been suggested that demanding that the engaged partner stops instantly might lead to ending therapy and the committed relationship.

Research has suggested... asking the engaged partner to take responsibility for the breach of intimacy, and making a commitment not to do it again

Therapists might unwittingly overlook the emotions of the offending partners when faced with the suffering of the betrayed partners. However, disregarding their emotional experience, or being judgmental, might discourage them from participating. Partners guilty of infidelity might be fearful of the primary relationship ending or of hurting their partner. They may even feel relieved that their infidelity has been discovered.

If betrayed partners fall into unhelpful interrogation, we should redirect them by asking, “what are you feeling?” and “what do you need?” We can then help them to express their feelings and needs to their partner. Unfaithful partners should be coached in listening and acknowledging the pain and damage they have brought to their partner and the relationship through their behaviour.

Exploring underlying issues

Exploring underlying issues is central to understanding why the infidelity occurred and to rebuilding the relationship. During this process, when dysfunctional patterns are identified, the receiving partner frequently feels unjustly blamed. Therapists can point out that the engaged partner is accountable for their actions, while all partners should acknowledge the context in which they took place.

As an aid to regaining trust, it’s suggested that you should encourage partners to communicate ground rules and adhere to a set of agreed schedules and plans for computer use at home.

Working flexibly

Therapists must be flexible so they can tailor their work to the unique needs of each relationship and increase the possibility of a successful outcome for therapy. At the same time, the therapist must also walk the tightrope of not excusing the participating partner for their actions. This difficult balancing act is one those in the relationship face themselves.

In fact, research has shown that injured partners express feeling torn between understanding their partners and blaming themselves versus blaming their partners and holding themselves blameless. This complicated matter should be directly addressed in therapy, with the therapist holding the participating partner accountable for their decisions, yet also acknowledging that there is a context in which these actions take place. This problem is also dealt with indirectly by the non-judgemental stance mentioned earlier.

The role of the therapeutic alliance

Research on treating couples with substance abuse suggests that the therapeutic alliance during critical sessions is the primary factor responsible for them staying in treatment. It’s likely that the same principle applies here: developing a genuine and supportive alliance that is well-balanced between all partners is critical to them carrying through with a long and often painful treatment.

Summary

When working therapeutically with client’s who have experienced internet infidelity, it’s important that you:

• Confirm validity of the receiving partner’s distress
• Avoid further details and encourage respectful listening rather than apportioning blame
• Encourage both partners to explore underlying issues but engaged partner to accept responsibility
• Agree rules for internet use at home
• Encourage relationship–enhancing goals and discuss forgiveness

To see the full list of research references which have informed the content on this page, please see our research references section.

Published in Online Affairs Practitioners by Janice Hiller from Tavistock Relationships on October 20th 2021

How to undertake an assessment in a case of internet infidelity

Assessing the impact of internet infidelity requires sensitivity and care as emotions are likely to be very high. Partners dealing with a violation of the relationship boundaries often come for an assessment in a state of shock and anger, especially if the infidelity has only recently been discovered or is a repeat of previous incidents. Research has shown that using language that is non-critical and non-judgemental can reduce an atmosphere of blame and help effective communication.

Despite attempts to understand what has happened and what it means to each person, the clinician may be faced with a ‘firestorm of judgment’ against the engaged partner. At the same time, the receiving partner often expresses shame, shock at discovering what the partner has done, and fear of losing everything they have built together.

The clinician may be faced with a ‘firestorm of judgment’ against the engaged partner

Another dimension to consider when assessing internet infidelity is whether there’s agreement that a breach of trust has taken place. Denial of dishonesty by the engaged partner, and insistence that an online relationship does not constitute an act of betrayal, can be common. Research has shown that when accused of exaggerating a non-event the receiving partner may then doubt the validity of their own feelings.

Points to cover

Initial questions should explore what those in the relationship understand about the situation that has brought them to therapy. The aim is to find out how they view each other’s behaviour without being moralistic or appearing to over identify with one person. Infidelity, whether online or in real life, is a topic that can evoke powerful emotions in the therapist, either through their own experiences or those of friends and family. Awareness of connections with past events is essential to avoid projection of the therapist’s own issues onto those seeking help.

You may want to discuss the following points in the assessment:

• How long the engaged partner spends on the internet, and whether it interferes with daily life.
• Do those in the relationship agree that the online behaviour violates the primary relationship?
• Has the infidelity has stopped, or is there a plan to stop?
• Does the infidelity compensate for underlying issues and missing aspects of the primary relationship?
• Can those in the relationship identify ongoing dissatisfactions that have contributed to the development of online engagement with another person or persons?

Does the infidelity compensate for underlying issues and missing aspects of the primary relationship?

If the online infidelity was abruptly ended when discovered, the engaged partner might be grieving for the other person, or for the excitement of a secret activity. It helps for the therapist to remember that the engaged partner could value the external relationship very highly, despite there having been no actual meeting. Regret is then about being found out rather than about the behaviour itself. Frequently the receiving partner will have little sympathy with the sense of loss in such circumstances, but if too much anger is expressed this might push the partner away. Achieving a balance between managing expressions of distress and creating an atmosphere of empathic listening is an ongoing challenge that begins during the assessment phase.

To see the full list of research references which have informed the content on this page, please see our research references section.

Published in Online Affairs Practitioners by Dr Naomi Moller (The Open University) on October 20th 2021

Overlap between online and offline affairs

Many of us live our lives at least partly online (texting, emailing, spending time on social media or the internet) which inevitably means that parts of our relationships are conducted online. Therefore, the distinction between ‘offline’ and ‘online’ affairs is becoming increasingly blurry, but it also means that lots of the theory and research about ‘traditional’ infidelity is also relevant to online affairs.

However, there are some factors that that may – in theory at least – make online affairs different and – perhaps - potentially easier to engage in. One example is the ‘online disinhibition effect’ which may help to explain how intense emotional affairs can start online. See our ‘why is it easy to cheat online’ page for more examples.

The distinction between ‘offline’ and ‘online’ affairs is becoming increasingly blurry

What factors might be related to having an online affair?

Researchers have suggested that the following characteristics might make a person more likely to stray online:

• An inability to take ownership of, and responsibility for, their online behaviour.
• A tendency to avoid emotional and sexual intimacy in real-world relationships by escaping to the distance, relative anonymity, and control offered by the Internet.
• An internal conflict which online sexual/emotional behaviours/activities appear to solve. For example, a person who wants to stay in their relationship but who also has a sexual fetish that their partner does not know about, or perhaps does not accept. One solution to manage their conflict might be to keep their ‘real world’ relationship as it is and engage with their fetish through a secret online life.

It is worth noting, however, that there is not enough research (yet) to really know what might predict an online affair, or if the predictors are in any way different to those for traditional face-to-face affairs.

How is the discovery of an online affair potentially different to face-to-face?

Some research has suggested that finding out about an online affair might be distinct from a face-to-face affair in several ways, including:

• sudden exposure - finding one text or email can quickly lead to a lot more discovery; the suddenness may increase the trauma of the disclosure
• privacy issues - as internet infidelity typically happens in the shared living space, this may make a partner feel like the home is no longer a safe space
• the feeling of permanence which may come from infidelity being recorded online (for example long strings of texts or emails), which can make it more difficult to move on and rebuild trust between partners.

As internet infidelity typically happens in the shared living space, this may make a partner feel like the home is no longer a safe space

Does the internet really make affairs easier?

The short answer is that there’s not enough research to know this. We do know that the digital age seems to changing how we communicate and therefore relate to each other. There is also some evidence that British attitudes towards infidelity appear to have hardened recently. For example, a recent survey found that between 1990 and 2012 there was a big rise in the number of men and women who felt that ‘non-exclusivity in marriage’ was ‘always wrong’. In fact, this was up from 45% to 63% for men and from 53% to 70% for women – a combined increase in disapproval ratings of over 17% in just twelve years. So, it might be that we think online affairs are getting more common because we disapprove of them more.

For a counsellor working with anyone impacted by an online affair the real question is perhaps, ‘do you think the internet made the online affair in your relationship easier?’ Knowing more about how the partners in a relationship think about this may build understanding about how the affair happened and – if they want it – how the partners could potentially stop a future online affair.

To see the full list of research references which have informed the content on this page, please see our research references section.