How to have a good divorce

Published in Blog by Samantha Woodham on January 3rd 2023

This 'one couple one lawyer' approach started a trend, and now many other law firms and providers are offering joint advice to couples. Samantha and her co-founder Harry wrote a book last year, published by Harper Collins, called The Divorce Surgery: The Art of Untying the Knot, with the aim of helping more couples approach divorce in the best way possible.

We’ve been working with the Divorce Surgery and other partners, to highlight ways to help couples to divorce collaboratively, without the need to turn to the family courts, reducing the harmful impact of couple conflict on their children.  Ahead of Divorce Day, we’ve asked Samantha to share her top six tips for a good divorce.

1. Mindset

Starting as you mean to finish is vital when it comes to divorce. Remember that at the end of the day there are two outcomes: either you both agree on the division of your finances and/or arrangements for your children, or, if you can’t agree, a judge will impose an outcome on you both. So as much as we are all programmed to view divorce as an adversarial process, in fact you’re much more likely to reach agreement if you work together, rather than against each other. View it as a shared problem (because it is) and not a battle (because it doesn’t have to be).

2. Communicate

This can be really hard. Just at the point when one or both of you have realised that this relationship isn’t meeting your needs, and communication is probably at an all-time low, we are asking you to communicate about divorce. But if communication breaks down, you’ll end up second guessing each other. Now more than ever you need to reassure each other about your motivations. If talking is hard, and for nearly every couple at this point it really is, don’t be afraid to get some support. Separation counsellors can be brilliant in giving couples strategies to work together in the early stages, so they can both focus on the important decisions about their children and finances.

3. Big picture goals

Spoiler alert: you are not going to agree on everything. Of course you aren’t! You’re both going to be leading separate lives and will have different views about how these should look. But don’t assume that because you can’t agree on one issue: for example sharing a pension, or selling the family home, that you are destined for a long drawn out court battle. You aren’t. You just need some focussed legal advice on those issues, so you know what a judge would regard as fair. If you focus on the big picture, you’ll probably find you are very aligned: such as reaching a deal which is fair for you both, and shielding your children from adult disagreements. Remind yourselves of these regularly, so you don’t fall into one disagreement about a relatively minor issue and convince yourselves you are incapable of agreement.

4. Don’t rush to a lawyer

In most cases a lawyer is not the first person you should call. Attend to your emotional needs first, so you are in the right headspace for legal advice when it comes. Of course if your safety is at risk or there is another emergency situation (such as your partner attempting to hide assets from you) then please do not delay speaking to a solicitor. But for the majority of couples, happily this is not the case. So wait until you are both emotionally ready to take legal advice and engage with long-term decision making. And, if you can, consider sharing a lawyer. It will save cost but also ensure you keep working to your joint agenda.

5. Engage with your finances

For many couples, it really helps to sit down with a financial advisor together so they are both fully up to speed with their financial situation, their budget and any tax implications of transferring assets. What are your mortgage capacities? How much do you each need as a budget each month? The starting point for any lawyer is to take you through a financial disclosure exercise, and work out what the financial resources are, and how these can be used to meet your respective income and housing needs, and those of your children. So get ahead. Inform yourself about your financial position, as often this is the best start to realistic discussions around what is financially achievable for you both.

6. Be hopeful

This is the start of a new adventure. Divorce may not be your choice, but the way you divorce can be. Be open to the idea that a relationship can be hugely successful and have a shelf life. That’s OK. You’re free to explore new adventures, and who knows what’s waiting for you around the next corner. Go grab it.

Help with divorce and separation

Read about Tavistock Relationships' Divorce and Separation Service.