At Tavistock Relationships, we like a good argument
Published in Blog by Allison Grant on 13 April 2026
Psychodynamic couples therapist Allison Grant explains that conflict is a normal part of a relationship and explores what makes a ‘good’ argument.
It might sound surprising, maybe even a bit uncomfortable, but stay with us. When we say we like a “good” argument, we don’t mean shouting matches, slammed doors, or days of silence. We mean something much more human, and ultimately, much more hopeful, because conflict is a completely normal part of being in a relationship.
Think about it. Two people come together, each with their own history, habits, beliefs, and ways of seeing the world. Even if you share core values, it is unrealistic to expect you’ll agree on everything. One of you might like things planned, the other prefers spontaneity. One values quiet time, the other thrives on social energy. Over time, these differences are bound to rub up against each other.
It is how we argue that really matters
Many of us didn’t grow up seeing healthy conflict. Maybe arguments in your home were loud, unpredictable, or even frightening. Or maybe they didn’t happen at all and things were brushed under the carpet, leaving tension to quietly build. As adults, we often carry these patterns into our own relationships without even realising it. That’s where the idea of a “good” argument comes in.
The ‘good’ argument
A good argument isn’t about winning. It’s not about proving your partner wrong or scoring points. It’s about understanding, both yourself and each other, just a little bit better. So, what does that look like in real life?
Perhaps it starts with trying to take a pause, or a deep breath. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to react impulsively. You might feel the urge to raise your voice, interrupt, or say something sharp. A good argument means noticing that feeling and choosing not to act on it straight away. It’s about giving yourself a moment to think about what is really going on here?
Often, the surface issue isn’t the whole story. An argument about doing the dishes might actually be about feeling unappreciated. A disagreement about plans could be about wanting to feel considered or included. When you slow things down, you create space to get closer to the real issue.
Another key part of a ‘good argument’ is consideration for other person. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them but it does mean trying to understand their perspective. What might they be feeling right now? What matters to them in this situation?
This can be especially important if there are children around. You might feel like shouting, but you notice the small ears nearby, the way a child might become anxious or frightened. In those moments, choosing a calmer response isn’t just about your partner; it’s about the environment you’re creating for your family.
Good arguments are thoughtful
They avoid extremes like “you always” or “you never,” which can quickly make the other person feel attacked or misunderstood. Instead, they focus on specific situations and real feelings. They leave room for complexity, recognising that most relationship issues aren’t black and white. Perhaps most importantly, a good argument lets go of the need to win.
In a relationship, if one person “wins,” the couple often loses. The goal isn’t victory, it’s connection. It’s finding a way forward that both of you can live with, even if it’s not perfect.
However, even the best arguments can leave a mark which is why repair is such an important part of the process.
Repair
Repair is what happens after the disagreement. It’s the moment where you come back together and acknowledge what happened. It might be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry for how I spoke earlier,” or “I can see why that upset you.”
Repair doesn’t mean pretending the argument didn’t matter. It means recognising its impact and at the same time, making a conscious effort to reconnect.
Without repair, arguments can linger. Silence stretches on. Distance grows. Over time, unresolved conflicts can start to feel heavier and harder to approach. But when repair happens quickly, it helps both partners feel safe again.
This is also something children benefit from seeing. It’s not harmful for them to witness disagreement; in fact, it can be valuable. What matters is that they also see the repair. They learn that relationships can withstand conflict, that people can apologise, forgive, and move forward.
How can couples therapy help
Sometimes, couples come to therapy worried because they argue a lot. They might feel stuck in the same disagreements, going round in circles without resolution. Other times, couples tell us that they never argue. That might sound like a strength, but it can also be a sign that difficult feelings are being avoided or pushed aside. Over time, this can create distance just as much as frequent conflict can.
Whether you argue often or hardly at all, as couple therapists we’re interested in understanding your patterns. What do you argue about? Do the same issue keeps coming back? What happens during an argument and what happens before and afterwards?
By exploring these questions together, we can help you make sense of what’s going on beneath the surface. We can support you in finding new ways of communicating, so that disagreements become less overwhelming and more constructive.
So, if your arguments feel stuck, repetitive, or painful, it might be time to think about doing something differently. With the right support, it is possible to turn those difficult moments into something more manageable, even meaningful and maybe, into a “good” argument.
You can book an appointment with a Tavistock Relationships Couple Therapist here:
