Seven ways to restore intimacy

Published in Blog by Bridget Wilkins on June 15th 2023

Bridget Wilkins, Joint Head of Psychosexual Training at Tavistock Relationships, the charity helping couples and individuals to have better relationships, offers advice for couples wanting to re-connect.

1. Switch your phones off

Connect with the partner you chose and put your phone away. Offer the time, curiosity and interest you give to your colleagues, your social media and news feed to your partner instead. It is this relationship that will benefit your wellbeing the most.

2. Go for a walk together

It can be around the block or to a coffee shop. Movement can help the conversation flow more easily and it’s an opportunity to get physically close, to bump along together or to hold hands.

3. Be curious.

Ask your partner how they are. When they say “Fine”, say, “No, really, how are you?” Then listen. Don’t talk to them about what you think. Don't try to advise, fix or offer “you should…”, rather say, “How interesting, tell me more…”

Touch reminds you both that you are a couple.

4. Don't be afraid to touch one another

On the shoulder, arm or back. Not a smack on the backside, but a gentle touch. Touching in a non-sexual way can gently communicate that you are together. Touch reminds you both that you are a couple. A soft kiss can be more intimate than you might think.

5. Be long-sighted rather than short-sighted

When in social situations, look at your partner from afar, across the room and see them from a fresh point of view. When they walk towards you from a distance, look at them not as your partner but as your lover.

6. Remember that intimacy is a vast landscape of mind and body

It’s about physicality and feeling. Penetrative sex is just one minor road on this landscape. Visit the rest of your partner’s body and mind.

When you do have fleeting erotic moments together, hold on to them.

7. Simmer with those erotic moments you’ve had together

When you do have fleeting erotic moments together, hold on to them. Allow those feelings to simmer because they keep the intimate link between you and your partner ‘warm’. Share them with your partner in thought or next time you meet.

Discussing intimacy issues wth a therapist

If you would like to speak to a therapist about intimacy issues you can find out about the wide variety of therapies provided by Tavistock Relationships or call 020 7380 1975 for further information.

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Bridget Wilkins

by Bridget Wilkins

Joint Programme Head of Diploma in Psychosexual Therapy and Course Leader for Certificate in Psychosexual Studies

Bridget is a couple and individual psychodynamic and psychosexual therapist and faculty staff member at Tavistock Relationships. She has responsibility for programming the centre’s Psychosexual Studies Certificate and for the Psychosexual Diploma. She has a particular interest in the impact of emotional experience on both the body and the mind.

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