How can we talk about what is OK online?

Published in Uncategorised by Dr Andreas Vossler of The Open University on October 18th 2021

Since what's acceptable online behaviour is particular to each individual and couple, it is important to have a conversation about each other's boundaries.

Why is it important to talk about what’s OK online?

It’s clear from the research that what’s seen as problematic or cheating online behaviour is highly subjective. For more information, see our ‘what is cheating online?’ page. This means that online activities that are OK for one partner in a relationship may not be OK for the other partner, and vice versa. It is therefore important to not just assume that your partner's idea of cheating online is the same as yours but rather talk openly to your partner about these issues. Having a conversation about these issues will help a couple to negotiate boundaries in regard to what is acceptable behaviour online in their relationship and what not.

How to talk to your partner about what is OK online

Sitting down with your partner and talking about sexual and intimate online behaviour can feel a bit awkward at first. To start the conversation, it might be a good idea to look at examples of potentially problematic online activities together and discuss how each partner would feel if the other were to engage in these.

In the section below you’ll find a checklist of online activities that you might want to discuss with your partner. It’ll be important to make the communication two-way and share concerns and feelings with each other. The aim should be to try and understand what each other is saying without judging, attacking or criticising. Remember, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ in this conversation.

The aim should be to try and understand what each other is saying without judging, attacking or criticising

A checklist to discuss potentially problematic online activities

When talking with a partner about what’s OK online, and what isn’t, it can be helpful to go through a list of online activities. The Online Activity and Behaviour Checklist (OABCL) is based on previous research and it covers a broad range of online activities which could potentially be problematic:

How would you feel if you partner were to:

1. Get involved in sexual activities online:

  • Witnessing, in real time, another person engaging in a sexual act/s and vice versa (e.g. via Skype)
  • Masturbating while chatting online with another person about sexual fantasies
  • Chatting explicitly about sexual fantasies e.g. that they want to engage in together
  • Flirting with someone in an internet chat room

2. Use the internet to exchange images with someone else:

  • Sharing sexual images of themselves (such as photographs of their genitalia or video clips of them taking off their clothes) with another person
  • Sharing pornographic images or video links with someone else
  • Posting provocative or sexual pictures of themselves on social media or a chat-room forum

3. Get emotionally involved with another person online:

  • Chatting/writing intimately with someone they met online about important emotional topics
  • Chatting/writing intimately with an old friend about important emotional topics

4. Hide the fact that they are in a relationship online:

  • Being active online (e.g. in chat rooms, Secondlife) without ever revealing that they are in a committed relationship
  • Keeping the status ‘single’ on Facebook

5. Use social media (e.g. Facebook, Twitter) to meet up with other people:

  • Connecting with old sexual partners or old girl/boy friends
  • Linking up with random strangers

6. Spend a lot of their time with activities online:

  • Spending all their free time chatting to other people in chat rooms
  • Spending a lot of time on social media (e.g. Facebook, Twitter)
  • Engaging in an online world (e.g. on Secondlife) or online games in their free time

7. Plan to and meet online contacts in the ‘real' world:

  • Making plans to meet in the ‘real world’ someone they met through an internet chat room
  • Talking and flirting face-to-face with someone they’ve met through an internet chat room

8. Use the internet to secretly view sexual images:

  • Masturbating while looking at pornography
  • Looking at pornography without masturbating
  • Looking at websites with sex toys or lingerie (e.g. Victoria’s Secret)

Which of these online activities would you perceive as cheating in committed relationship? Which of these are OK? How does your partner feel about this?

To see the full list of research references which have informed the content on this page, please see our research references section.

Share this with friends and colleagues

Looking for help?

Find out more about the therapy and support we offer.

Find out more

Get in touch.

Invalid Input
Invalid Input
Invalid Input
Please choose an option
Invalid Input
Invalid Input

Read how we look after your privacy here

Your Privacy

Tavistock Relationships is committed to protecting and respecting the privacy of prospective employees, contractors, volunteers and interns. We comply with the Data Protection Act 2018 and the General Data Protection Regulations.

Please follow the headings below to read about the way we manage data submitted on this form.

Website enquiries

If you use our website enquiry service to contact us regarding any of our service, we will ask you to provide us with your name, a method of contacting you and information about your enquiry. We will only use this information to respond to your enquiry

Where your data is stored?

Your information is stored in Salesforce CRM upon submission, where only the relevant respondent can view it.

How long is it stored for?

If you decide not to proceed with registering for our services we will keep your enquiry details for up to one year after the end of your enquiry. After this time your details will be deleted.

When you use our website:-

Cookies

Like many other websites, our website uses cookies. 'Cookies' are small pieces of information sent by an organisation to your computer and stored on your hard drive to allow that website to recognise you when you visit. They collect statistical data about your browsing actions and patterns and do not identify you as an individual. For example, we use cookies to store your country preference. This helps us to improve our website and deliver a better more personalised service.

When you use our website we obtain information about you from cookies which tell us your IP address, when you visited our website and which pages you looked at.

It is possible to switch off cookies by setting your browser preferences. If you would like to turn cookies off you can do so by clicking ‘no’ when prompted by our cookie notice. Turning cookies off may result in a loss of functionality when using our website. As an example, if you turn off cookies, some information like anonymised ‘User ID’s’ for logging into systems will not be retained, so you will need to retype them each time.

Cookies are stored for a maximum of 6 months, though most expire much sooner.

Confidentiality

Tavistock Relationships adheres to a professional code of ethical standards which includes the principle of confidentiality. This means that we would not disclose information about you to a third party without your agreement, except in situations where there was significant concern about harm to you or someone else and this would normally be discussed with you beforehand.

We ensure that access to your personal data is restricted to members of staff who require access as part of delivering our service.

Your rights

The GDPR gives you certain rights in relation to the data we hold about you. You can exercise the rights outlined below by contacting us:

Email to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

In writing to Privacy, Tavistock Relationships, 56-60 Hallam Street, London, W1W 6JL Telephone 0207 380 1975

Under the GDPR you can:

  • Find out what information we hold about you
  • Access a copy of the information we hold about you
  • Rectify any inaccurate or incomplete personal data
  • Have the right to object to our processing of your personal information
  • Ask us to delete or restrict how we use your personal information, but this right is determined by applicable law
  • Have your registration information (if registering using our online booking system) sent to another provider
  • Have the right to appropriate decision making (TR does not use automated profiling or decision making)
  • Complain to a regulator if you think we have not complied with data protection laws. You can lodge a complaint with the Information Commissioners Office https://ico.org.uk/concerns/

Privacy policies

We have specific data protection policies for each of our services and if you go on to become a client, then you can access the policy of the service you enquired about here:

Clinical Service
https://tavistockrelationships.org/contact-us/privacy-policies/clinical-services-privacy-policies

Training and Events
https://tavistockrelationships.org/contact-us/privacy-policies/training-events-privacy-policy

Recruitment and selection
https://tavistockrelationships.org/contact-us/privacy-policies/recruitment-selection-privacy-policy

Building Relationships for Stronger Families
https://tavistockrelationships.org/contact-us/privacy-policies/brsf-privacy-notice

Between Us App
https://tavistockrelationships.org/contact-us/privacy-policies/between-us-privacy-policy